The Weight of Nothing Read online

  The Weight of Nothing

  Steven Gillis

  Dzanc Books

  1334 Woodbourne Street

  Westland, MI 48186

  www.dzancbooks.org

  Copyright © 2005 The Weight of Nothing by Steven Gillis

  All rights reserved, except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher.

  Published 2012 by Dzanc Books

  A Dzanc Books rEprint Series Selection

  eBooks ISBN-13: 978-1-938103-35-3

  eBook Cover Designed by Steven Seighman

  Published in the United States of America

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  FOR

  my father

  To force solitude on a man who has just come to understand

  that he is not alone,

  is that not the definitive crime against man?

  —ALBERT CAMUS

  PROLOGUE

  AN IGNOMINIOUS INCEPTION

  When I was six years old I found my mother in our driveway lying face down in the snow, her arms extended frail as robin’s wings, arched from her shoulders above her head, her legs thrown out and bending slightly at the knee as if she was swimming a butterfly stroke and in that moment about to rise and propel herself forward through a sea of white foam. The snow was heavy and gathered in her hair and across her back. Bluish rings settled around her eyes, her once fair skin turned grey and acquiring then a permanent cold.

  I ran to where she’d fallen and rolled her over just as my father stormed barefoot from the house, his large hands fisted, his meaty arms and shoulders, thick legs, and broad chest barrelling toward me. His face was contorted and red with fear. He didn’t once look at me while pulling my small fingers from my mother’s wrists, knocking me back with such force that I landed across the drive and remained collapsed in the snow until the sirens drew near and a man I didn’t recognize scooped me up and brought me inside.

  BOOK I

  IN THE BEGINNING

  CHAPTER 1

  THE FATHERS

  What he saw before the others was the global metamorphosis, boundless and brilliant, as unavoidable as time tic-tic-ticking in the high pocket of a railway conductor’s red vest, as bright and promising as sunlight shining against the windows on the forty-seventh floor of the Reedum & Wepe Building in the heart of downtown Renton. “Vision!” P. Harlen Kelly bellowed when rumors had him amassing his fortune through less than scrupulous means. “Vision!” he barked at anyone brazen enough to argue, and insisted, “War’s the thing. Conflict and crisis create markets, boys. Human consumption is born from the illusion of want and need.”

  Dressed in a blue suit, silk shirt, and neatly tapered slacks, his silver hair brushed back, his neck and cheeks surgically taut and altering the shape of his eyes, P. Kelly stood at his office window staring at the skyline, delighted by the surfeit spread out before him. A shrewd investor—the riots in Porto Alegre helped facilitate his deal to sell farm equipment to the Brazilian government on loans guaranteed by the World Bank—P. Kelly made his first fortune just after World War II as he put his cash into affordable housing, butter and oil, automobile tires, women’s accessories, candy bars, and transistor radios. He studied similar trends during Korea and Vietnam, Grenada, the Falklands, the Gulf and Iraq, observed the clashes in the Middle East, Algeria and Chile, Colombia, Zimbabwe, Russia, Indonesia, and the Philippines, followed the opening of China and South Korea, the changes in South Africa, the dismantling of Yugoslavia, and collapse of the Berlin Wall. Year after year he employed the simplest principles of supply and demand, anticipated revolution, analyzed and profited from clever trade.

  Voluble, he spoke at seminars and conferences where he extolled the virtue of turmoil, explained how each episode was part of a purposeful evolution aimed at marshalling efficiency and profit. He read up on the history of companies such as Ford, Mercedes, and Xerox—each of which cut deals with the Nazis in order to expand their market share—and concluded that business not politics made strange bedfellows. “Nothing is immune to barter! For every man a dog,” he relied on this assumption and made himself rich adhering to the tenets of capitalism, which screamed at him to expand, expand, expand!

  Who could not enjoy such bounty? P. Kelly set his hands upon the window in the early morning light and crooned, “God bless the new millennium!” An age of endless expanse, with 3 billion Chinese ready to buy color TVs, electric toasters, and washing machines, and with Pizza Huts and Dunkin’ Donuts going up in Gaza and Iraq. He saw himself living in the lap of Eden, the land of milk and honey, where opportunity more than knocked, it whistled and howled! How easy to feel invincible on such a beautiful day, and what a surprise when he laughed then only to have the brilliance of the hour explode in front of his face, startling him while the whole of the Reedum & Wepe shook and the horizon vanished in a thick black cloud, drowning him in a thunderous roar, the windows shattering and the floor beneath his feet giving way, the walls around him groaning and tumbling down.

  A man on a ledge, fresh to the union and newly moved from Zenith to Renton, Franklin Finne danced along high beams, remarkably agile for someone so large. His huge frame weighted through the hips, supported by a double mass of thigh, like Zeus gaping from Olympus with no fear of plunging and the women walking beneath so perfectly prime. He pranced inside the skeleton of the Ryse & Fawl Building, all hale and hooting down to the streets below, “Hey, honey, can I hang my hat on your rack?” “Sweetie, I lost my number, can I have yours?” “Baby, does a hamburger come with that shake?”

  Targeting then the prettiest girl, he could not explain how he noticed her at all. (What draws a man is hard to say.) A modest figure in a short tweed coat, black hair, and green shoes, her slender arms curled and floating as she walked, he saw her as the crowd passed and she stood for a moment viewing the spectacle of girders, a hand placed above her eyes as she surveyed the site. Franklin watched in silence, and the next morning as the woman came and stared again at the construction site, he waved.

  Two weeks went by with more of the same until Franklin decided to change his schedule and wait for her outside the Reedum & Wepe. She was surprised by his age, having always imagined an older man waving down at her. At work—she was a typist at Kelly & Kline—older men often made advances, saying they noticed her at her station or passing through the halls, and anxious for company they invited her for a drink. Naive in this way—she was not entirely fluent in the nuances of sexual gamesmanship as some of the other girls who knew how to manage a man and get as much as they were asked to take—she learned in time how to accept a free meal without becoming tangled up in strings, and avoided sleeping with these men even as they flattered and cajoled her and placed a hand on her knee.

  Still, when Franklin came and introduced himself and asked her to dinner she said no. He was a stranger after all, someone who’d swooped down from inside the unfinished Ryse & Fawl Building like a bird of prey, and what did it matter if his eyes were kind, his large body tender as a toy bear, and a voice that tempted her with sweet regard? He suggested as a compromise she meet him at Childe Duke, a club that showcased local musicians on Saturdays where Franklin sometimes played. The invitation appealed to her. As a student taking night classes in composition and voice, she knew Childe Duke and told him that would be fun. Brought together then, compatible in ways neither could have predicted, they dated through the summer, rented an apartment that winter, and married the following spring.

  A reader of myth, the single carryover from his three semeste
rs at Mount Farrell Community College, Franklin saw Maria as Selene, goddess of the moon, as Metis and Tyche, goddesses of wisdom, fortune, and fate. He teased her that she was a siren who drew him from the safety of his perch, and when she smiled and reminded him that he was the one who first sought her out, he joked, “Yes, but you were there waiting.” To hear Maria sing at her class recitals and other nights at home, he felt such a dizzying sort of love that he literally shook. To lay with her and have her slide up onto him, bare atop his chest, left him mystified by the sheer reality of her presence; how she took him in so deeply, devouring him beyond a point he could imagine, until he stopped thinking for fear of such love fleeing, celebrating instead the incomprehensible nature of his fall.

  In the second year of their marriage, they bought a house and Maria gave birth to a son, Tyler. (A Finne family, friends couldn’t help remark.) Six years later a second boy, Bailey, was born, and six years after that a winter’s snow brought by Persephone, goddess of death, aided by Nyx and Hypnos, goddesses of night and sleep, visited Maria and persuaded her to rest.

  CHAPTER 2

  THE SONS

  Shit happens.

  There’s no way around it.

  Bailey in the moonlight, fresh from seeing Emmitt, eyes the sky with dark glasses on.

  Just after my mother died, I was sent each day following school to stay with my Aunt Germaine. A guidance counselor at South Renton High, Germaine was a spinster living over on Delmore Street, a stout old girl with sausage-shaped hands, small grey eyes, and a double chin which shook like soft rubber. My father grieved my mother’s death hard and took advantage of Aunt Germaine’s support to remain downtown after work where he drank himself into a convenient stupor.

  I remember my mother having an incredible voice, at once willowy and soulful, arced and bluesy. She sang jazz and torch songs with spectacular range even as my father’s raw accompaniment on the piano choked the melody or rushed the lyric. (I can still recall my father’s shoulders hunched and enormous hands mashing, his booted feet stomping against the pedals and broad hips swerving from side to side, rocking a half-second off the beat.) A look would come over my father’s face each time my mother entertained him with any of his favorites—“Black Is the Color,” “Ne Me Quitte Pas,” “Make the Man Love Me,” “My Last Affair”—and tilting his head to the side, his eyes would squint uneasily down at his hands. A second later he’d snap his shoulders back and start pounding away at a wild rendition of “Salt Papa Blues,” yelling above the din for my mother to catch him if she dared. She’d laugh and cover her mouth and my father would howl and play even louder than before.

  In those days I shared a bedroom with my older brother, Tyler, whose taste in music ran from Bad Company to Warren Zevon and Uriah Heep. I, in turn, marveled from an early age at my father’s music and listened intently to the would-be lyric of his flawed recitals; the mystery of the sound, how it seemed to come together out of thin air. Although I was forbidden to touch my father’s piano, I couldn’t help but want to try the trick on my own, and one day, with my mother upstairs, I snuck into the front room and sat down. An arrangement my father played the night before was still in my head, and bringing my fingers to the keys I performed “A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.”

  My mother followed the sound, thinking my father was home early, though the playing she would later say sounded much different, and how surprised she was to see me there on the bench. The look on her face caused me to jump up, convinced I was in trouble and would be punished for touching my father’s piano, but instead, and trembling with surprise, my mother said, “That’s very good, Bailey. Go ahead then. Play something else. I don’t mind.”

  In secret, she began instructing me on her own each day, wanting to make sure my gift was nurtured slowly, without my father overwhelmed by my talent and turning such into a sideshow event. I played what I heard with no idea what I was doing at first, my hands tiny and without initial grace. My mother helped improve my technique, had me listen more closely to the music, showed me how to break the larger chords by starting them before the beat, unable as I was to reach a minor tenth from black to white keys. She described how each piece of music possessed a natural symmetry and that it was important to identify and respect the essence of the arrangement, how music was controlled centrally by the aural image and the body was the conduit through which music’s fundamental magic was transformed.

  I was given picture books that demonstrated how to read the notes, was taught about staccato and legato, how to use my hands, and never to hit the keys too hard or misconstrue power for proficiency. “You want to deliver only what the music asks,” my mother said. “A word to the wise,” she’d smile and kiss my cheek. I was amazed by how much she knew, how well in secret she also played, and concentrating on whatever she put on the stereo, repeated the scores back to her, everything from Motown to Chopin to jazz. In playing for my mother, I was elated not by my own accomplishment but the chance to please her, and believing music mirrored the world in all its brilliance, assumed everything else in life was equally magnificent and abiding and would endure forever.

  That winter, an executive at a small record company heard my mother sing at a club where my father coaxed her to perform, and impressed, offered her a chance to cut a demo at a local studio. She said yes only after the man reluctantly agreed to let my father accompany her. They were given a date for the end of the month, and ecstatic, my father insisted they start rehearsing at once. Practices were held first thing in the morning and immediately after dinner, with arrangements selected and rejected, played and replayed, again and again. On the afternoon of their scheduled recording session, my mother sat in the front room sipping a cup of hot tea. (All the long hours of rehearsal had exhausted her, though she did her best to hide as much from my father.) Restless, my father’s own playing went poorly, the more he rehearsed the less compatible his fingers found the keys, and nervous, he asked my mother to sing one last song, “for luck.” They did Ned Washington’s “Wild Is the Wind.” (“Love me, love me, say you do.”) My mother started out very soft, then rose with, “Like the leaf clings to the tree, oh, my darling, cling to me.” When she finished, my father got up from his piano without saying a word and went off to shower. A heavy snow was falling, already several inches outside, and standing by their bedroom window, my father complained of his bad luck.

  My mother went upstairs and picked out my father’s blue suit from the closet, placing it along with a white shirt and bright paisley tie on the bed. She then returned downstairs where she slipped on her boots and coat and the thinnest pair of white cotton gloves. The temperature was well below freezing and the snow was falling harder than before. I watched from the window as my mother retrieved a shovel from the garage and began clearing the drive. The absolute chill stirred her for a moment and her movements became animated, but the cold was deceptive and wrapped itself around her, bearing down until her muscles trembled and her head went light. Her lungs seized and hyperventilated as the last of her body’s heat escaped, her legs buckling and giving out, the snow’s pretense at softness offering no resistance to her fall.

  Afterward, my father removed every stick of furniture from the house, replacing it with a cheap wooden table and mismatched chairs, a faded brown couch that sagged in the center and poked at the flesh with hard metal springs. (“Gone, gone, gone!” he howled.) I woke one night to the sound of my father shoving his piano through the side door and down the steps, pushing it into the center of the yard where he took an axe to the keys, shattering the ivory and wood, crushing the pads and wires until the legs collapsed and everything was reduced to pulp. He soaked the remains in gasoline then and ignited it all with the first match struck.

  “These are the things I remember,” I tell Emmitt who—as Dr. Speckridge—stares at me from behind his desk, his bird eyes black and shrinking as he removes his glasses. (He has an oval head and high voice that cracks oddly at awkward moments.) “Elizabeth?” he as
ks, and I roll my hands over as if to catch something about to fall, and thinking again of my father as he stormed about while the glow of the fire raged and filled the sky with sparks and ash, I picture him fully ablaze and exposed by what comes of love. Shaking my head, I say, “Liz?” and realize then as I do now the danger of wanting anything too much and how I learned so young the way to want for nothing.

  Niles Kelly walked east, away from campus and in the opposite direction of the downtown district where the Reedum & Wepe once stood and his father by the window watched the universe crash beneath him.

  “Sit then,” the man motioned to Niles as he arrived, pointing to a large blue pillow tossed atop a red rug. Several other pillows and rugs were set in a circle around the center of the room. Niles’ host was thin framed, dressed in grey slacks, leather sandals, and a long white cotton shirt. A beige cap was perched on the crown of his head. His skin was dark copper. Niles dropped onto the nearest pillow as Massinissa Alilouche offered him tea.

  “You are feeling all right?” The question was asked as Niles was sweating, his shirt damp and cheeks red. “I’m fine,” he explained. “I walked from campus, that’s all.” A long table to Niles’ left was stacked with papers and books. A box filled with several small vials of medicines was stored beneath the table, tiny white labels affixed to each. Behind a half wall, the kitchen was arranged with a stove near the sink, a refrigerator no larger than a hatbox, and a round table covered with additional books and medical paraphernalia—tubes of salve and bandages, cotton balls in a plastic container, a flashlight and stethoscope, unopened packets of sterile syringes, a jar of needles, and thread all set out in no particular order. At night, the pillows in the front room were arranged for reading and sleep.